finding my purpose. finding myself.

I am reading a wonderful book by Dr. Wayne Dyer called Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling. You may have seen his programs on television. He is an inspirational speaker, and a really good one too. (in my opinion.) In this book he talks about living "in spirit" and that by having yourself be in this state of joy and inspiration you will be guided to your ultimate calling in life.
Lately, before I even started reading this book, I have been looking for my bliss... the thing that gives me true purpose and joy in my life. Or at least something that I enjoy doing.

So far, I've learned to take time for myself. Last week I did this very well, I took myself out to lunch, went shopping for myself, read my book, and wrote in my journal. It was good. I did feel a sort of sadness about being alone, but I also learned that I can't depend on others to make me happy. It took my a while to figure out how to ask myself, "What is it YOU want?" Most of the time, I am not even sure what it is I really want. I mean I have desires for the future, but right now?... it's not so easy to decide.
I see women around me who know exactly what they want and where they are going in their life. They are so driven and confident. I am very driven once I have decided what it is I want... it is just the deciding that gets me. I have so many facets of myself... how do I focus on one aspect and say "this is who I am, and that is what I want." ? Sometimes I am outgoing, strong-willed, excited, and enthusiastic! And other times I remind myself of a quiet librarian who freezes up when put into social situations. Who am I really?... I suppose I have to decide that for myself. :) hahah..
And perhaps there are many out in the world who feel this same way.
Afew years ago I was following a program lined-out in a book called The Artist's Way. This book is all about finding your inner creative self... good book. One assignment that is given is for you to write your top five other lives to lead. Here were mine... (mind you this is a few years ago... when I knew myself better)...

1. "I would work just to be able to dance. I wouldn't worry about nice clothes or an expensive car. I would work hard any place I could and during the evenings I would dance, Dance my heart out and feel so free! I would work my body to be the perfect ballerina and ballroom dancer. In my free time I would practice my own modern dance. I would have many close friends and live and breathe a world of motion art!!"

2. "I would live a 'Mother Teresa' kind of life! I would commit myself to serve all people I would find strength from God to lift others. I would walk the streets of Calcutta as a light in the dark. I would offer 'living waters' to all those in distress giving love to all people... a simple life of service."

3. "Living on teh 22nd floor of a large condominium building in downtown Salt Lake.. my home!! An Artist's haven! Ceiling high, book shelves made from beautiful cherrywood, red walls protraying the oil painting of my most creative ability. Always music playing, an area to cook delicious foods and have friends over for dinner. A safe place from the world and a place to gather with amazing people. A place of lerning , loving, creating, giving... a place to nurture a sad or lonely neighbor. A place of non-judgement. I could work at my home doing massage and processing or in a small office in downtown SLC. My office would be painted a true-green color. Small, just big enough to get the job done! My office would resemble much of my home. Peace would be my nature and love would by my gift. And of coarse to feed my soul & social life, I would dance and attend ballroom dance competitions. My life is balanced, healthy, happy, active, successful, encouraging, involved, loving, grateful, courageous! Artistic is my nature. I would be well known at the local music store and dance studio. Friends come and gather easily and frequently!"

4. "Live as a cow-girl -- yee haw!-- work on a ranch, ride horses, live in teh great outdoors! perhaps in teh mountains, small log home for me and my husband... away from most of the world. Spend nights fishing and singing! Study and meditate with my horses or alone."

5. "Teach! teach alternative medicine... inspire others to find their path. To have my own shool, store, etc."

Some of these make me laugh now, and others I can still see myself in them. Perhaps if I go back to the time when I wrote all of these "lives" down, I can start to remember who I am again. Maybe even discover what it is that I want right now in my life. :) wish me luck!
-Lesa.